Apparently I'm a Mother Now

Apparently I'm a Mother now.
I’m still learning to yield, to break, to mend —
To be human. The light spills soft over your pillowy cheeks,
Above them, your eyes, not breaking gaze. And I,
I am not anyone magnificent, yet everything to you.
Here I am, empty handed and perpetually needed, 
Giving everything at every given hour to love you.

Dear Diary,

It is July, the year is 2025 and I am breathing, a phenomena. Beyond this plasterboard separating my children and I are 4 beating hearts, inhaling and exhaling, hopefully dreaming with the Spirit.

The shortness of my days steadily confront me, the creases above my brows now permanently remain if you look closely enough. My children are growing older alongside me, rapidly. How can I embrace each hour long enough and keep memories in my mind for when I am old of their smell, their touch, their little voices and sounds?

Today was hard, this is uncommon for me. All I wanted was breath, but more than that I wanted to love them so I continued to pour out to the last hour. I realised today that my children don’t really have a pause button, the beauty of it. They have so much energy to give to every single hour, minute, second. I woke first to make breakfast, make sourdough, make cinnamon scrolls and then have a coffee. We then put a train track together, played uno, rolled out the scrolls, then I made some lunch, baked the scrolls, put all the clothes away (thankfully my baby girl helped me), danced crazy in the living room together to Forrest Frank and sang at the top of our lungs. By this stage it was about 1pm and I was absolutely exhausted. We then went for a drive so I could catch a breath but even here I was needed. After this we came home and got to learn some anatomy.

I need the love and grace of God to function as a Mother. The beautiful thing about Christianity is knowing that in our weaknesses God is strong. This doesn’t mean that we swim in our weaknesses and say “woe is me, wah wah wah”, come on, the Spirit of the living God is inside us, we have life, and power, and joy. But this does mean that we can come to God in our weaknesses and seek his STRENGTH through it. As a Mum for only 5 years I’ve learned the need’s of my children are constantly changing and it is essential that I am malleable to these needs. I need to grow, to change, to be ready to answer random questions.

My hubby and my children are the greatest gifts I’ve received earth-side. Writing this I am reminded that the greatest gift I can give my children isn’t merely my time and my attention, but my set-aside devotion to the Lord. Carving out quite time with Jesus is an absolute essential to thriving Motherhood.

This evening I laid curled up in Dutchy’s (my husband) arms, I don’t know how it is possible to have increased love for him. But it is true, I love him more in this hour than any hour before. If kindness could be a person it would be Dutch. He embodies selflessness daily. I well up writing about him because he is sincerely the most beautiful human my soul has known.

I am rich because I am their Mother.

Bekky x